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Dr Phil: Pile Driver (poem)

Dr PhilSome people think that piles
Are varicose veins of the bot but
In fact they’re spongy pads
Like lips at the end of your gut

They act just like a seal
To stop the leak of slime
But sometimes they slip down
Isn’t this a charming rhyme?
 
A slipped pad is a pile
And swells up full of blood
And when you do a poo
It drops further than it should
 
They come in three degrees
Though none of them can sing
One stays put, two pops back
But three can really swing
 
All of us will get them
More so as we age
In constipation and pregnancy
They’re really all the rage
 
Itchy, tender, aching lump
A panty stain or two
Perhaps a bit of blood
After you’ve done a poo
 
Often they get better
If you just let them be
Water, fibre, fruit and veg
To keep it soft and easy
 
You can wash with salty water
Dab dry with cotton wool
Apply a little Vaseline
But don’t scratch, as a rule
 
Keep your clothing loose
And keep your paper soft
And if you feel one popping down
Try popping it aloft
 
Your chemist can provide you
With soothing cream or gel
It doesn’t make them go away
But it can reduce the swell
 
And if you’ve noticed blood
Pop down to your GP
It probably is just piles
But it’s worth a look and see.
 
Dr Phil Hammond is a medical doctor, comedian and commentator on health issues. http://drphilhammond.com

Written by: Dr Phil Hammond
Edited by: Dr Phil Hammond
Last updated: Friday, August 13th 2010


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Comments on this article

Posted by Kathleen on 25/09/2015 at 10:44

Oh, the poem is oh-so-funny, but very helpful advice. I've been embarrassed to get my doctor to look, but from the above, think I have #3 as I finally got up courage to have a look-see with a mirror and can see the little pad. Popping it back up is easy, and I make sure to use a bit of a lubricant. I will try proper cream and adding fiber to my diet to make my poo softer (as your website says, so that it changes shape on passing) and see if that helps. When I see my gynecologist next, I'll ask her to check, since now I can talk about the subject, thanks to your site. A note to people posting questions on the site, do what it says here in the poem, and see your doctor, that's the whole point.

Posted by Frank on 14/01/2015 at 02:25

To the person that has been undergoing cancer treatment. God bless you. And read about eating asparagus and bitter almond root or something and buying it from an outside USA to maybe cure cancer I read about it online I don't know if its true but it seemed amszing. I guess bitter almond root is illegal so that's not good I guess.

Posted by lindosbay on 01/06/2014 at 08:30

I've suffered with piles for years, so painful I've had to have time off work, Doctors even sent me for a colonoscopy when they were bleeding. In all that time and several visits to the docs when suppositories are not helping, no one has ever given me the information I found on this website. Why oh why dont the docs tell you all this...or give you a print out if there isn't time. I love the poem and the info is spot on. Thanks from the bottom....of my heart!

Posted by Ishaq on 09/04/2013 at 08:50

I have had piles for over 7 years now and I think it's in it's a third degree haemorrhage. Whenever I pass faeces, I have to push back some protrusion. It does not pain or bleed. I suspect that it has a thing to do with my premature ejaculation. Please advise me on what to do. It's really disturbing and discomforting.

Posted by Optional on 28/09/2012 at 08:43

I'm pregnant and i'm having pile outside my anus, it does not bleed it hurt whenever i poo and i cant push it in anymore please any advise on what to use?

Posted by david on 14/05/2012 at 04:17

I have had bleeding and leaking prolapsed piles for more than 1 year. Accidentally I discovered a wonderful solution. IMMEDIATELY after defecating I lie prone on my bed for 10 minutes, after arising, the piles have retracted, my bum is sealed and I now have a level of comfort I have not experienced in a long time. I have only been doing this for a week, but am estatic at the change.

Posted by Optional on 16/02/2012 at 07:35

OH YES NOW AM MORE INFORMED ON PILES. WILL TRY SUGGESTIONS TO SEE WHETHER IT AT LEAST GOES AWAY.

Posted by mikeOptional on 17/08/2011 at 09:29

how do u push my pile back in my doctor says i got a large one at 11.0clock whatever that means.

Posted by Optional on 11/08/2011 at 12:04

I got this urgly sickness from birth, I have tried all that is commended but to no solution. It is of third degree level. Please somebody help me.

Posted by Lliz on 19/05/2011 at 09:54

I have the worst one which i think is the fourth degree, it has been there for almost 30 years but it getting worse what advice can you offer me?

Posted by sanya on 03/03/2011 at 03:44

I AM 84 HAVE PROSTATE CANCER 3 YEARS RECEEDING NOW PSA WAS 20 3 MONTHS AGO NOW 1.5 I HAVE HAD RADIATION 37 DAYS AND AM ON BACULTIDE HORMONE 50G PER DAY,CANCER HASNT SPREAD OUT OF THE PROSTATE,BUT I CANT HOLD POO I HAVE TO GO AND I BLEED NOW AND AGAIN,I DO EAT THE RIGHT THINGS AM NOT FAT,13 STONE 6FT 1NS TALL AND NO PAIN,CANCER HAS NOT GOT INTO MY BONES BUT MY LEGS FEEL FATTER,MY CONSULTANT HAS TOLD ME SOE OF THE LONG TERM SIDE EFECTS OF RADIATION,CAN MANFEST THEMSELVES 2/3 YEARS AFTER CORRECT? I WORY THAT THE BLEEDIND NOW AND AGAIN COULD BE CANCER HAS SPREAD THERE.... PS I STILL RIDE MY MOTORCYCLE FOR FUN !!!!!

Posted by Tom on 20/02/2011 at 02:04

I have had my 'piles' symptoms for about 9 weeks but am too embarassed to seek help.

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