How you can help yourself

Remember that a sex life is not compulsory. The point of your sex life is to bring greater happiness to you and your partner. If you both feel happy and relieved not to continue with your sex life, that is fine. But equally, if you both wish to have an enjoyable sex life there is no reason why you should not. Sex is not just for the young and beautiful!

Share your expectations. If one partner has needs or expectations that are not being met by the other, sort the problem out rather than let resentment, anger or guilt take over. Counselling (these are listed in the useful contacts can be very helpful in this situation.

Try to avoid becoming 'performance conscious'. Do not interpret natural sexual ‘slowing down’ as being near to impotence. In fact, the natural slowing down of your sexual responses may make you more in tune with your partner’s needs, because it may mean that stroking and cuddling become more important.

Sort out relationship problems. You may feel that your relationship with your partner has been unsatisfactory for so many years that it is pointless to try to do anything about it. In fact, it is never too late to try to improve things, particularly as you and your partner may have many years ahead in which you will be increasingly in each other’s company.

Ignore setbacks. If you have a sexual setback, do not assume it is the ‘beginning of the end’ of your sex life. It is natural for an illness, or a period of depression, to make you lose the desire for sex, the ability to perform sexually or the ability to respond to your partner. When you or your partner feel better, your sex life will improve again. If it does not, talk to your doctor as there may be a simple explanation (for example, you may have been put on some medication that is affecting your sexuality).

If you are worried that sex could damage your heart, or that you or your partner might have a heart attack during sex, talk to your doctor. If you have had a heart attack or heart surgery the hospital should have given you advice about when to resume your sex life.

If impotence is the problem, see your doctor. Do not accept impotence as being just a normal part of growing old. If you can not get an erection that is sufficient for intercourse, discuss it with your doctor, no matter how old you are. There may be a reason that can be put right and there are various methods of improving erections (look at the section on impotence). Viagra is as safe in elderly men as it is in younger men. A study of Viagra in the over-65s reported a 69% improvement (Journal of Gerontology 2001;56:M113–M119).

Use lubricants. Whatever a woman’s age, sex should not be painful. If it is, it is important to find out why. If a dry vagina is making sex uncomfortable, special lubricants or hormone treatment will help (even if it is many years since the menopause). Apply the lubricant generously over and around the clitoris and urethra, as well as the vagina, to relieve clitoral soreness and prevent urethral syndrome. Similarly, if you are using a hormone cream, apply a small amount to the clitoris and around the urethra. For more information, look at the section on vaginal dryness.

Try more foreplay. Remember that older women need more foreplay to become aroused. Inserting the penis before the woman is fully lubricated (perhaps because the man secretly worries that he will lose his erection) will cause discomfort or even pain.

New partners. If you have a new partner, be aware that you need to practise safe sex to avoid the risk of sexually transmitted infection, whatever your age. In the past 5 years in the UK, the numbers of people with chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis have increased three-fold in the over-65s.

• Sex and ageing main page
• Common problems as you get older
• Useful contacts