No interest in sex

Sex – no interest

“All this fuss about sleeping together. For physical pleasure I’d sooner go to the dentist any day.” (Evelyn Waugh, British writer)
“I know it does make people happy, but to me it’s just like having a cup of tea.” (Cynthia Payne, after her acquittal on a charge of controlling prostitutes in a famous case in 1987)
37% of men have sex less than once a fortnight (MORI/Esquire poll of 800 men aged 18–45, 1992)

Sexual appetite (libido) tends to wax and wane – there are periods in our lives when we have little desire for sex, and other periods when sex assumes an overriding importance. Most of the time we are somewhere in between. So losing interest in sex is probably a temporary phase, and not a disaster. In fact it is only a problem if it means there is an imbalance between our desires and those of our partner, if it makes our partner feel unloved and frustrated, or if we ourselves feel unhappy because of it. It is also important to remember that most people are having much less sex than everyone else thinks, as has been shown by many surveys. All the same, there may be a reason for lack of sexual desire that can be remedied.

Reasons in both women and men

Depression is one of the most common reasons. Surveys show that about 2 out of 3 people with depression lose interest in sex, as a result of imbalances in brain biochemistry. So it is not something that you should blame yourself for.

Medications, such as antidepressants, tranquillizers and beta-blockers, can damp down sex drive.

Sexual side effects of various antidepressant drugs

Women

Loss of desire
Vaginal dryness (so intercourse is uncomfortable)
Difficulty having an orgasm

Men

Stress and physical illnesses take their toll on every aspect of life, including sexuality. It is difficult to be enthusiastic about sex if you are worried, tired, in pain or generally under par.

Relationship problems of any kind can depress libido (although some couples find their sex life improves when other aspects of their relationship are rocky).

Something in the past can affect the present, such as memories of sexual abuse, or a demoralizing sexual relationship.

Reasons in women

Infection and contraception. Worries about infection or a contraceptive method you are not comfortable with can trigger a loss of interest in sex. For example, you may have noticed some vaginal discharge or something about your partner’s genitals, and are worrying that you or your partner could have a sexually transmitted disease. Some contraceptive pills, particularly those with a high progesterone content, can reduce sexual desire.

A new baby is very demanding of time and energy, hormone balances are changing and there may be soreness from stitches. So it is not surprising that 50% of women do not have much interest in sex for many months after childbirth (although 1 in 5 women feels more sexual than before). The American sexologists Masters and Johnson found that 47% of women had little desire for sex for at least 3 months after having a baby. Another survey asked women about their sex life 30 weeks after having a baby: only 25% were as sexually active as before; most said their sexual desire was much reduced; and 22% had almost stopped having any sex at all.

Breastfeeding causes temporary vaginal dryness and discomfort (because of the high levels of the breastfeeding hormone, prolactin), making sex seem even less attractive.

Painful intercourse is obviously a turn-off (look at painful sex). This can happen because the vagina is dry (look at sex and ageing) or for various other reasons. In some women, the pelvic and nearby muscles clamp up so strongly when intercourse is attempted that it is uncomfortable, painful or even downright impossible; this is called vaginismus.

Reasons in men

Pressure to perform well in bed seems to be increasing – fuelled by media images of the ever-potent, ever-ready male. A man is expected always to be able to perform sexually. At the same time, modern society expects him to deal with increasing stresses in the workplace, to do his share of household tasks, to be an intellectual companion and emotional support to his partner, and to be a perfect father. It is no wonder that he finds he cannot perform sexually. Over the past decade, the number of couples coming to Relate (the relationship counselling organization) with difficulties blamed on lack of sexual desire in the male partner has doubled.

Heavy drinking is a common cause of loss of interest in sex (and problems with erections). This is because alcohol eventually reduces the production of testosterone by the testes, interferes with processing of testosterone (male hormone) by the cells of the body, and affects the parts of the brain that control hormone balance.

A low testosterone level is seldom the reason for a loss of sex drive, but your doctor can check this quite easily.

Questions to ask yourself

Is this really a problem, are my expectations unrealistic, what do I really want, is it affecting my relationship? You and your partner may feel the situation is quite acceptable. On the other hand, it may be affecting your self-esteem and your relationship.

Am I depressed? Feelings of sadness, hopelessness and helplessness, with lack of energy and disturbed sleep, and an inability to find anything enjoyable are symptoms of depression. Modern antidepressants are very effective at treating depression, and are not addictive. As your depression gradually lifts, your sex life will improve. If this does not happen, it may be that the tablets are curing the depression, but their side effect is making the sex problem worse. Do not stop taking the medication; mention the problem to your doctor, who will be able to change the dose or use a different antidepressant.

Am I drinking too much? If so, try to cut down.

Have I started taking any new medications? A drug is unlikely to be the cause if you had already gone off sex before starting it, but otherwise it is worth checking with your doctor to see if any medication could be responsible.

Is there any other physical reason? If you are tired or physically unwell, it is quite reasonable to wish to put your sex life on hold for a while.

Is there any specific aspect of our sex life that is putting me off? A relatively simple problem, such as the type of contraception or pain during sex (look at painful sex), can be dealt with by a visit to your doctor or family planning clinic. However, there may be a problem that is easy to identify, but less easy to deal with. This could be anything – your partner’s standards of cleanliness, the type of sexual activities your partner wants, lack of privacy, a suspicion that your partner has a sexually transmitted disease, or a triggering of unpleasant memories of sexual abuse. Unfortunately, this type of problem does not usually go away on its own, but a counsellor (see Useful contacts) will be able to help you find the best way of dealing with it.

Is my loss of interest in sex really because I am unhappy about other aspects of the relationship? If so, tackle these issues, perhaps with the help of a counsellor.

Written by: Dr Margaret Stearn
Edited by: Dr Margaret Stearn
Last updated: Thursday, March 25th 2010

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Comments on this article

Posted by Optional on 16/05/2012 at 03:56

I wasn't always "uninterested" in sex...infact, I was just the opposite! For the past 5 years, I've gotten to the point that I don't even think of sex!! What the hell??? ...and, I'm laying in bed next to him!!! I was recently married to him, and he's the best in so many, many ways. 25 years of, uh, let's see, choosing to remain single because I suck at my choices...raising 2 young boys by myself and being a child/adult victim of abuse. Is this hormonal or am I too damn young to feel this weird 'un-desire'? Sincerely!!!! Diana

Posted by Marcella H. on 14/03/2012 at 03:39

I am against drinking but not occasionaly, my bf told me that he was not an alcoholic before i moved in with him and he started slowly drnking and his family admited that he was drinking but he always got a reason to drink. My sex drive is completely out. Could the alcoholism of my bf realy killed my sex drive ?

Posted by rose on 15/02/2012 at 08:15

i have a very good and close relationship with my boyfriend who is a westerner.. i am a asian. However, this does not cause any problem.. we had a wonderful fun sexual relationship in the beginning of the relationship.. I am a very passionate and fun person who is game in trying anything and never a bored.. However, one day my bf jus not into sex anymore..i mean it got lesser and lesser and one day he told me he is not sexually attracted to me anymore..he don't feel the zest to want to rip off my clothes and make love...WE still love each other very much and we seldom argue but i am frustrated act this as i have a high sex drive.. i am still very healthy..and so is my bf..only of late he have anxiety attack.probably due to work stress. Sex is important to me..but i don't understand how he can be loving me sooo much but does not have passion to make love to me... pls help..its not good for our relationship..i am in a loss..i feel frustrated not having enough sex..

Posted by Optional on 31/01/2012 at 04:33

I am married to my best friend. Our lives would be a match made in heaven if it wasn't for our sex life. While sex isn't the most important thing in life, it's still pretty damn important. I had spent the first several years of our marriage crying myself to sleep. I tried every possible thing to try to fix the problem. I have only been left with low self esteem and feelings of rejection. When we do finally have our once a year sex, it's so unpracticed and uncomfortable that it just makes me sad. My husband knows it's a problem that is killing our marriage. There is no physical closeness, no intimacy. I have to beg for a kiss greater than a peck. He tells me that it's not me - that he thinks I'm beautiful but that doesn't decrease the loneliness or the rejection. He says that sex never enters into his thoughts. This will be the end of our marriage if it isn't resolved because it effects every aspect of it, how I think of myself, and my perception of what I think I mean to him, my happiness. He says he is going to get help by talking to a counselor and that he doesn't like being this way either. Can someone be helped if a sexual thought never enters their mind? I don't want to lose an otherwise great relationship but I'm not very hopeful that their is a solution.

Posted by Optional on 24/01/2012 at 12:34

I recent started to feel diffent I can not hold member. My wife is pregnant right know. I don't think that's the issue it's been about 2 or 3 weeks that I am not able to have sex with my wife. I am getting scared I don't want my wife to leave me because of this.

Posted by Mandy on 28/12/2011 at 05:34

My husband hasn't wanted anything to do with me for 40 plus years. Everything was fine until I said I DO and we had sex once. From that point until now its been all down hill He cancelled our honey moon, decided to start working midnights, with weekends mid week. Moved all his things down stairs and set up house keeping. Also he worked all his vacation days, and all the holidays so he didn't have to buy me something or be with me and our families. We have never went out together after we were married. I have friends who don't even know I'm married. It took awhile to accept the fact that this is the way my life should be. I've only had sex once no affection or intimacy. My dream is that someone would just hold me so I could cry. Why I stayed with this person, I really don't know. I know I didn't want to embarasse myself and our families.

Posted by Paul on 17/09/2011 at 04:52

Haven't an interest in sex for almost 30 years. Started with E/D,blood pressure. cholestrol, sleep problems. So now that I'm retired why bother with intimacy and sex. Wife has other thoughts but its to late now.

Posted by bohlokoa Mokoena on 12/07/2011 at 03:14

I have lost interest in sex lately, is it because of my age? is it a permanent phase or it will just pass? yes I am drinking and smoking, is there any medication recommended to my problem?

Posted by Optional on 29/01/2011 at 11:59

was always into sex, anywhere anytime and scarily anyone, i actually thought i had a problem as i dreamt it and lived for it, couldnt get enough...then had a bub whose now 4yrs, have been single for 3yrs and havent bothered looking at a man in that entire time. The father never broke my heart or anything, i was very happy he finally left actually, so hes not my problem... im just hating having no sex drive at all, no interest in it, nothing....the thought of it these days repulses me for some reason, like its a filthy act... i dont understand whats going on, i just hope its a phase that will pass.

Posted by Optional on 17/01/2011 at 09:16

I just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl,she's 4 months now. There has been no sex during the pregnancy coz the father did not want to poke his child. Afterbirth still no sex,reason-experience during delivery of the baby. He did not actually see the whole process but he only entered the delivery room just before I was moved to my resting room. I feel I am not sexy anymore for him even though he explained to me that its the blood he saw,he was traumatised. Am just lonely.

Posted by Optional on 14/09/2010 at 04:44

Wife and I married 43 years and 30 without sex, intimacy and any kind of love. Were just friends who own the same house. I have no desire for sex and intimacy. I get all creeped out just thinking about it. I would say I don't love my wife or have any desire for her. If she went away that would be fine with me.

Posted by Optional on 28/08/2010 at 01:47

Have been disinterested in sex since year 2 of my marriage. had strong feelings for a young man at work which left me confused. 8 years ago i had a relationship with a young woman which is now historybut my wife cannot forget. I had a stroke 2 years after the relationship which has affected my mobility. My wife is 12 years younger than me and is desperate for a close physical relationship. What can we do?>

Posted by Den on 09/08/2010 at 01:19

I have the most incredibly hot and sexual 45 year old girl firend. She is simply gorgeous and desires and enjoys sex tremendously. I am very attracted to this woman. We have been together 6 months. but for the past 2 or so years I have not cared about having sex much anymore. (Even with my last girl friend.) Once a week, maybe twice we will have sex or I will manually/ orally bring her to have orgasms but........I rarely get aroused. When I do get "up" it is wonderful and a beautiful thing. I just would like to give a damn enough to be there more often. I do drink beer about 4 nights a week. I have had Viagra...seemed to help but it is way too costly. My Doctor testosterone levels were tested Normal. Got any ideas for me? Thanks

Posted by Kerrie on 24/06/2010 at 01:16

Men who have no interest in sex can sometimes be lacking in testosterone, and if yr husband saw the doctor he might be able to get treatment? He says he's not attracted to you probably because he feels inadequate as a man and it's always easier to blame someone else than admit you have a problem. Explain to him that sex really isn't the MOST important thing in your relationship but it is important. For the lady with no desire, I dont know if it will help you as it has helped me but I use st John's Wort, 330mg tablets, one a day. It lifts my mood a little, enough to give me a little bit of desire for sex. My partner is a wonderful man who understands that a womans arousal mostly starts with her mental state. He would like to have sex more often but we agreed that would take the lead in initiating sex, then he would know that he wasn't forcing me into anything and also we could cuddle in a loving way without me fearing that it would lead onto something more. My fear of making him feel rejected was huge, making the issue even bigger for me that it should have been. Hope this helps xxx

Posted by Optional AKTHER on 16/03/2010 at 03:39

I WAS A VIRGIN BEFORE I MARRIED AND JUS LOVED WATCHING PORNOGRAPHY VIDEOS AND IMAGINED IT BEING ME AND MASTURBATED A LOT SEX ON MY MIND 24/7 BUT FIRST HAD A LOT OF PAIN AS HUBBY TRIED GETTING IN AND SHOCKINGLY NEVER LIKED IT I JUST DO IT TO PLEASE HUBBY FOR HIS SAKE DR SAYS MANY ASIAN WOMEN DONT ENJOY IT I WAS SURPRISED I NEED HELP

Posted by rima on 04/11/2009 at 02:13

my husband always had less intrest in sex , which he blamed on me ,in 10 years of marraige its been hardly once in 4 months or less , but now i am majorly frusrated . and now hes says he cant do it because he dosnt like me &i can do it with some body else . can i know what is wrong here pls i am soooooooooooooooo upset.

Posted by Anonymous on 07/05/2009 at 09:09

please help i have no sexual disisre at all i have been with my partner for 14 years and i love him very much, he is so understanding and i feel that the the way am just isnt fair. admittedly i am in pain 75% of the time due to having endometriosis, which i am being treated for. but to make ythings worse i just have no sexual desire at all, the most i want is a cuddle as soon any sexual contact fondling etc i make excuses of having somthimg to do or being tired ... god what is wrong with i am really concerned that we cant go on like this as it just isnt fair to my partner please help