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Delayed ejaculation

Delayed ejaculation means that even though your sexual desire (libido) and erections are normal, you have difficulty reaching a climax (i.e. the point at which semen spurts out) when you are inside your partner. In a UK study of men aged 16–44, 5.3% said they had experienced difficulty in reaching orgasm for at least 1 month in the past year. The problem continues for more than 6 months in only 2.9%, so, like premature ejaculation, it can be a temporary problem (British Medical Journal 2003;327:426–7).

For many couples it is a source of pleasure, not a problem, because it allows prolonged love-making, but the woman may (mistakenly) assume that it means she is unattractive to her partner.
 
The UK Sexual Dysfunction Association receives many queries about it and has prepared a special fact sheet (see useful contacts). The association says that two categories of men commonly have the problem of delayed ejaculation: sex starters who are paralyzed with guilt or other strong emotions; and older men who have grown psychologically mistrustful of release or who have a need for greater physical stimulation now that age has made lovemaking less spontaneous and orgasm less compliant. Also, some prostate operations and some drugs, such as SSRI-type antidepressants (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), can delay ejaculation. Therefore, if you are taking medication and delayed ejaculation is a new problem you should ask your doctor if the medication might be responsible. Alcohol can also have this effect.

How to help a partner with delayed ejaculation

The following advice is provided by the UK Sexual Dysfunction Association.
  • There is nothing biologically wrong with most men experiencing ejaculation difficulties. However, men who cannot orgasm inside a woman may have a combination of technique and attitude problems. For instance, many men learn how to perform sex by masturbating. When they bring themselves to orgasm, they may agitate with their hands far more quickly than two people can ever have sex. Thus, when they start making love, the sensations seem under-stimulating. The answer to this part of the problem is to increase the eroticism of foreplay and make your partner wait until he is practically on the edge of climax before allowing him to insert his penis
  • If that does not help, anxiety is probably preventing him from triggering his ejaculatory reflex. Tell him there is a remedy, which you can jointly try over a period of weeks
  • When the time is right, and you are feeling intimate and relaxed, ask him to show you how he masturbates all the way to orgasm. Be light-hearted and make it fun. Next time, ask him to masturbate with a little assistance from you. Next time, see if he can do it just inside your vulva, again with assistance from your hand if he enjoys it. At this point, if the process has proved successful, draw his attention to the fact that you are virtually having normal sexual intercourse and that he has managed to ejaculate where you both want him to
  • On the next occasion, he could insert himself fully and try coming deep inside you – and so on. The important point to remember is that, if at any stage he meets with a reverse, you do not fret but simply return to the previous stage and get comfortable with that again 
     

Written by: Dr Margaret Stearn
Edited by: Dr Margaret Stearn
Last updated: Saturday, February 13th 2010

 


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Comments on this article

Posted by rodi on 24/07/2014 at 03:00

hi. i had a problem during my first intercourse..during foreplay of 3 hours i leaked heavily..after that pain started in my testicals. and urination and eraction problems started...it was such a pain..after the night went on without erection because of my pain n non eraction at the last few moments of my date. i urinated and was feeling comfortable n had a short intercourse without orgasm but i ejaculated .. is there any reason for me to worry about .. ? thx

Posted by Concerned Love on 22/05/2014 at 04:11

Can delaying to ejaculate on purpose have long lasting negative affects?

Posted by dev on 17/01/2014 at 02:47

i am doing masturbating from long time now from last one year i cant discharg while making luv with my gf ,it will take vary vary long time to discharge i feel tired to do luv making pl advise

Posted by Optional on 30/10/2013 at 01:28

i can get the feeling of ejaculation but no sperm shoots out

Posted by Stylo on 20/02/2013 at 02:47

i m still strugling even after all the efforts taken as said above

Posted by Tom on 19/02/2013 at 10:09

How does a single bloke get help with this. I have been seeking help for a long time. Does anyone know anything useful. I am in Wales

Posted by BOB on 18/12/2012 at 12:07

Please help,for the past year I am having problems when masturbating,I have had occaisions where I have been "doing myself" for nearly 2 hours and the only thing achieved is extreme pain in lower abdominal area and groin,I have had a period of 6 months that the pain has been so bad that I could not even get turned on in the first place or of I got a "hard" it would fade away after a minute or two as the pain is just so intense,I find that I "dry cum" sometimes and that can hurt too,I have the added problem in that I get involuntary ejaculation when I "sit" on the toilet,I have had pain in prostate and testicles for a while and have taken three courses of antibiotics over last 6 months after plucking up courage to talk about this to Gp,I am going to ask to see a urologist but any advice from men who have or who are currantly going thru similar issues,I would be very grateful for any advice, also a separate issue,I have Arthritis and M.E. I get severe pain in hands when engaged in masturbation,is there a stroke that anybody knows of that would enable me to have hightened pleasure without severe pain,I have invested in a vibrator which gives mixed results,I have never been in a relationship,I lost my virginity at the age of 30(late I know)I lost it to a prostitute and visited briefly for a few months on a once monthly basis in 2007,I was always safe but felt I was exploiting a lady and decided that it wasn't right, I do wonder if my problems have occurred due to the fact I was abused by a male teacher who grabbed me by the balls and pick me up and dropped me to the floor,I was 7 or 8 at the time,he put his hand on my dick at times,a sneaky man who nobody suspected and I could not open up about this until a year ago,does anybody know weather this has any bearing on things,could any damage have occured to me,thanks for taking time to read this! I am grateful for being able to offload as well to people who would understand!Robert

Posted by Cure PE on 02/12/2012 at 02:03

If nothing else works for you, this definitely should. Take sex out of the calendar for an entire month, and that includes even seeing each other naked. But woo each other and arouse each other by going out often. Grind at parties, kiss in public and pet each other when you feel horny. By restricting sex for a while, you can bring the arousal and curiosity back into bed. And that will definitely help you keep an erection up for as long as you have to perform. http://howtolastlongerinbedinstantly.blogspot.in

Posted by Optional on 28/10/2012 at 08:55

ur site is very goodi feel i am failing my parter

Posted by optio 245 on 25/10/2012 at 08:33

i have a proplem with delayed ejaculation my wife enjoys bt at smetime she gets tired and irritatd then i hav 2 rest before i continue. I lve mastabating regularly my quiz is how many times can 1 ejaculate in a day

Posted by Stop on 22/10/2012 at 12:40

Hey guys, Stop watching so much porn and masturbating and you wont have a problem. this is a non issue unless you have decided you prefer your hand over a womans vagina.

Posted by Optional on 16/10/2012 at 01:18

this was lots of help

Posted by Optional on 23/07/2012 at 02:03

In my opinion, sexual relations has no correlation with respect to male masturbation; aside from preferred outcome...ejaculation. I have no interest in observing my husband masturbate. Having a loving relationship that results in satisfaction for both partners is uniquely different than what you're referring to...my opinion only. I consider your advise in this matter to be pathetic, unempathetic, unprofessional, banal, lacking common sense and then some. Couples want to bond and be equally sexually satisfied! Please refrain from rendering future advice re: couples & sex...if masturbation is your forté don't wander elsewhere.

Posted by Dude on 27/08/2011 at 03:48

Listen. It is really good that many of you are seeking answers online but be careful not to take information too much to heart. I have always been a "longie" more than a "quickie" and it has not been a problem until I hit 40. (Not entirely true...I have no chance of climax with my wife when I am really stressed.) I have read online a ton of info about delayed male orgasm, retarded ejaculation, and all the other names given to taking more than 10 minutes or not being able to ejaculate at all. I've been married for over 15 years and I am still very sexual but it is taking longer and longer for me to climax and now, even when I masturbate, it takes well over 45 minutes to whack off and sometimes impossible to come during sex. The cause and cure is probably different for all of us. After a lot of research and understanding my body and habits, turn-ons, challenges, etc. I think I have come up with a plan for my therapy...cut way back on the porn and masturbation- but this requires my wife to be on board and willing to help me. I mean All In assistance. I suspect that I have become conditioned to climax with porn instead of real life sex and I am used to the rhythm and feel of my hand instead of another persons oral or vaginal sensation. So, when I think about masturbating I tell my wife and we agree to have sex soon. This will not work without complete honest communication and my wife's willingness to help out. I know it might sound like I am tricking her to have sex with me but she is also very frustrated when I can not climax and after a very honest and open discussion we agreed this will be the plan. (I know many of you may not have a relationship like this, but I bet you will be surprised if you express yourself in a very open and honest way and ask for help.) I know my wife is frustrated or feels like she is not enough when I can't climax. I have never been able to get there during a BJ and she has expressed her frustration about that specifically so we will really work on this. It starts with being open and honest about my response to her technique and watching some instructional videos online. There are some good ones and bad ones. Find one that you feel you relate to. I am guessing if you take a long time to climax that constant rhythm and a constant build up is critical. (I always think the oral feels good but changes before I can get anywhere.) I may check back with the progress of my plan. To address some of the comments below: 1. 50% is mental and 50% stimulation/physical. 2. The second you are aware it is taking too long you won't be able to make it until you are not thinking about it again. I suggest you take a break. Snuggle or focus back on her for a while...unless she is too pooped out waiting for you. Take a break for 30 minutes and if the mood is still there try again. Don't think about it! (A little booze may help here...1 drink, no more.) 3. Always make sure your bladder is empty before you start. Nothing is more distracting than having to pee or pass gas to distract you. 4. Focus on her. Be in the moment. Keep you eyes open. Be passionate. If it is not doing it for you be honest and do something else. Don't judge. Don't fight. Don't be sad. 5. ANTICIPATION. Plan ahead. lingerie. Visual stimulation, etc. tell her you are going to get off first and then blow her mind. Talk about doing it early in the day and maybe a little tease a few times during the day to get the motor running...no porn or masturbation! For those who have never climaxed or rarely, chill out. What turns you on? Fantasize, talk about it with your partner, no porn! (This is from someone who LOVES porn. But it desensitizes you. Back way off and use it as a special treat. If she is willing, watch a little together. I am serious. After Many years of experience and thousands of whack off sessions, this is not helping your cause. Fantasy in your own head is easier to condition you to achieve a climax.) This is another big one for me...fear of getting a girl preggo! Even married and trying to have a baby freaked me out from having an unprotected climax for 6 months! As men we are conditioned to not get a girl pregnant. This is another case for a glass of wine or a beer to get the inhibition off. Condoms are a 100% climax killer for me so let's assume the first step is to take that off. (Be safe and all that. I'll assume some other form of birth control is being used.) If you do not want to get someone knocked up and condoms are the issue I recommend a good spermicidal foam. I'm done having kids and a vasectomy was the best thing I every did. For the ladies...it's not you, it's not your fault, you are doing great even reading this. You may have to be the one to instigate and maintain the no porn/no masturbation by agreeing to be available for sex and agreeing to go the distance without putting on the pressure. Learn some solid BJ techniques! This act is all about focusing on him so he won't worry about you. If you are getting pooped or frustrated you can stop and say this was a tease for another BJ or sex later... you have to be playful and not show any frustration. If any of these ideas work you need to keep it up and condition yourself to respond to the stimulation. Someone teaches you how to ride a bike and drive a car but no one really teaches you how to climax. Research online, but remember everyone is different. Gather the information that may apply to you and experiment. I'll check back and report on my plan.

Posted by Optional on 21/06/2011 at 01:22

hi i'm 17 and i can't ejaculate inside girls. and ive had a desent amount of partners but they have all been one night stands. i'm not a relationship kind of guy i've had sex with 8 different girls and i couldn't ejaculate with any of them. so i need a solution that doesn't require me to have a steady partner

Posted by Optional on 06/05/2011 at 11:28

I have had this trouble for more than ten years. I can ejaculate with masterbation over partner, but not internal. Still trying.

Posted by Gaz on 28/01/2011 at 07:42

To the 30yo lady (sorry I don't know your name) re: not getting pregnant. I have suffered with this forever, it is sole destroying and it makes you somehow feel less of a man. Relationships ate impossible because women tend to get fed up, this compounds the issue and affirms your partner is less of a man. Actually, I suspect the issue is you! You simply can't put him under any pressure because it will not work, the pressure the less Likely. What you need to do is forget the baby and concentrate on making him feel normal. If it's that important let him do it on his own and purchase a baster. Please listen because I feel sorry for him, make him feel comfortable and no pressure! If it works great if not there's always next time.

Posted by Optional on 30/11/2010 at 10:20

My boyfriend and i haven't been together long. He has trouble ejaculating inside of me...and I think for the reasons mentioned above, he doesn't seems to be stimulated enough by it + I have a suspicion there is some psychological problems as well. He hasn't slept with many girls (only 1-3 long term girlfriends) and has had to deal with his mothers death. Everything else is so perfect...so i'm struggling with this as Ive never had this problem before. I will try the steps above and report back! :) Fingers crossed!

Posted by Optional on 27/10/2010 at 09:56

Hi I am 30. Me and my husband are married for more than 5 years now. My husband could not ejaculate inside me all these years. But he could ejaculate when he masturbates. During the first few days of our marriage I was shocked but somehow madeup my mind to wait and I hoped he will ejaculate some day soon. I did console him in the initial days saying not to worry and we shall make it happen together. I thought if I support him emotionally that would help him feel better and it will make things good for us. In a long time I started feeling lost & frustrated with this and I could not discuss this with anyone else. It never stuck me to ask about this to a doctor. I thought it would be embarrasing to talk to a doctor about this..coz I thought this was happening only to us. After a year the no of times we had sex reduced...I dont know it could be because of the fear of a failure. We were like having sex once in 3 months sometime it was even more than that. It was like 4-5 times a year at the max. There were a lot of other family and personal problems that kept us from planning pregnancy. And now its more than 5 years and I am just not able to give anybody any reason for our not planning a baby. When we visited a doctor 1.5 yrs back and when I told him about this, the doc said masturbate and then insert. But all this time we just tried that once and my husband is not able to do that aswell. I guess the anxiety or a psychological problem or whatever it is we could'nt try that again. Still our frequency of sex is only once in 6-8 weeks. I also have an anovluation problem and I did not address this for a long time because, even if I get ready there is no point when my husband is not ready to ejaculate. Also our insurance does not cover even testing for any infertility. Life is more frustrating and my parents are deeply upset without knowing the reasons and I am not able to tell them the reason coz I dont want them to be shocked. Really I feel like sitting in the darkest place in the world not knowing what to do. I am just writing this here because.. I could feel better somebody who reads this will be listening to me. Thanks for reading.

Posted by Mike on 14/07/2010 at 05:33

I am 28 and have never ejaculated through masturbation yet i can during intercourse??? does anyone else suffer from this form of delayed ejaculation?

Posted by Johnny on 05/05/2010 at 11:01

Hi, I am diabetic type I for 20 years, lately suffering from delayed ejaculation irrespective with a partner or through masturbation. Can anything be done on this case?

Posted by James on 03/05/2010 at 04:24

Hey. I suffered from severe delayed ejaculation until last August. I had never been able to ejaculate, and I mean never. Not with a partner through oral or full sexual intercourse and I had never even masterbated to completion. It was really driving me mad. But it was all in my mind... I was with my girlfriend one night. I cleared my mind of all negative thoughts. Every worry and anxiety was cast aside and I enjoyed myself. I relaxed and enjoyed the pleasure of what was happening and how much I loved my girlfriend. Before long... I felt something I had never felt before. AND WAS IT GOOD. I'll remember that night forever. Since then, I have been ejaculating regularly... sometimes twice and day and I couldn't be happier. Seriously... just relax. I hope this helped. xD

Posted by Anonymous on 21/01/2010 at 02:02

HI I am 20 and stll yet have not ejaculated for once do you think there is something wrong with me? Thanks for any little help

Posted by mike on 02/01/2010 at 08:54

i am having trouble peeing and reaching climax. this has only happened over the last week and is really getting my girlfriend down and i dont blame her. 3 yeARS AGO I HAD A BLADDER NECK INCISION due to not being able to urinate. i am urinating more often but coming out very slowly.

Posted by BOYE on 08/04/2009 at 01:29

how can i delay my ejaculation

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