Dr Phil: Pile Driver (poem)

Dr Phil Some people think that piles
Are varicose veins of the bot but
In fact they’re spongy pads
Like lips at the end of your gut

They act just like a seal
To stop the leak of slime
But sometimes they slip down
Isn’t this a charming rhyme?

A slipped pad is a pile
And swells up full of blood
And when you do a poo
It drops further than it should

They come in three degrees
Though none of them can sing
One stays put, two pops back
But three can really swing

All of us will get them
More so as we age
In constipation and pregnancy
They’re really all the rage

Itchy, tender, aching lump
A panty stain or two
Perhaps a bit of blood
After you’ve done a poo

Often they get better
If you just let them be
Water, fibre, fruit and veg
To keep it soft and easy

You can wash with salty water
Dab dry with cotton wool
Apply a little Vaseline
But don’t scratch, as a rule

Keep your clothing loose
And keep your paper soft
And if you feel one popping down
Try popping it aloft

Your chemist can provide you
With soothing cream or gel
It doesn’t make them go away
But it can reduce the swell

And if you’ve noticed blood
Pop down to your GP
It probably is just piles
But it’s worth a look and see.

Dr Phil Hammond is a medical doctor, comedian and commentator on health issues. http://drphilhammond.com

Written by: Dr Phil Hammond
Edited by: Dr Phil Hammond
Last updated: Friday, August 13th 2010

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Comments on this article

Posted by david on 14/05/2012 at 04:17

I have had bleeding and leaking prolapsed piles for more than 1 year. Accidentally I discovered a wonderful solution. IMMEDIATELY after defecating I lie prone on my bed for 10 minutes, after arising, the piles have retracted, my bum is sealed and I now have a level of comfort I have not experienced in a long time. I have only been doing this for a week, but am estatic at the change.

Posted by Optional on 16/02/2012 at 07:35

OH YES NOW AM MORE INFORMED ON PILES. WILL TRY SUGGESTIONS TO SEE WHETHER IT AT LEAST GOES AWAY.

Posted by mikeOptional on 17/08/2011 at 09:29

how do u push my pile back in my doctor says i got a large one at 11.0clock whatever that means.

Posted by Optional on 11/08/2011 at 12:04

I got this urgly sickness from birth, I have tried all that is commended but to no solution. It is of third degree level. Please somebody help me.

Posted by Lliz on 19/05/2011 at 09:54

I have the worst one which i think is the fourth degree, it has been there for almost 30 years but it getting worse what advice can you offer me?

Posted by sanya on 03/03/2011 at 03:44

I AM 84 HAVE PROSTATE CANCER 3 YEARS RECEEDING NOW PSA WAS 20 3 MONTHS AGO NOW 1.5 I HAVE HAD RADIATION 37 DAYS AND AM ON BACULTIDE HORMONE 50G PER DAY,CANCER HASNT SPREAD OUT OF THE PROSTATE,BUT I CANT HOLD POO I HAVE TO GO AND I BLEED NOW AND AGAIN,I DO EAT THE RIGHT THINGS AM NOT FAT,13 STONE 6FT 1NS TALL AND NO PAIN,CANCER HAS NOT GOT INTO MY BONES BUT MY LEGS FEEL FATTER,MY CONSULTANT HAS TOLD ME SOE OF THE LONG TERM SIDE EFECTS OF RADIATION,CAN MANFEST THEMSELVES 2/3 YEARS AFTER CORRECT? I WORY THAT THE BLEEDIND NOW AND AGAIN COULD BE CANCER HAS SPREAD THERE.... PS I STILL RIDE MY MOTORCYCLE FOR FUN !!!!!

Posted by Tom on 20/02/2011 at 02:04

I have had my 'piles' symptoms for about 9 weeks but am too embarassed to seek help.