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Dr Phil: Pile Driver

Some people think that piles
Are varicose veins of the bot but
In fact they’re spongy pads
Like lips at the end of your gut

They act just like a seal
To stop the leak of slime
But sometimes they slip down
Isn’t this a charming rhyme?
 
A slipped pad is a pile
And swells up full of blood
And when you do a poo
It drops further than it should
 
They come in three degrees
Though none of them can sing
One stays put, two pops back
But three can really swing
 
All of us will get them
More so as we age
In constipation and pregnancy
They’re really all the rage
 
Itchy, tender, aching lump
A panty stain or two
Perhaps a bit of blood
After you’ve done a poo
 
Often they get better
If you just let them be
Water, fibre, fruit and veg
To keep it soft and easy
 
You can wash with salty water
Dab dry with cotton wool
Apply a little Vaseline
But don’t scratch, as a rule
 
Keep your clothing loose
And keep your paper soft
And if you feel one popping down
Try popping it aloft
 
Your chemist can provide you
With soothing cream or gel
It doesn’t make them go away
But it can reduce the swell
 
And if you’ve noticed blood
Pop down to your GP
It probably is just piles
But it’s worth a look and see.
 
Dr Phil Hammond is a medical doctor, comedian and commentator on health issues. http://drphilhammond.com

Written by: Dr Phil Hammond
Edited by: Dr Phil Hammond
Last edited: Friday, February 5th 2010

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