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Ejaculation
- delayed
Delayed ejaculation
Delayed ejaculation means that even though your sexual desire (libido) and erections are normal, you have difficulty reaching a climax (i.e. the point at which semen spurts out) when you are inside your partner. In a UK study of men aged 16–44, 5.3% said they had experienced difficulty in reaching orgasm for at least 1 month in the past year. The problem continues for more than 6 months in only 2.9%, so, like premature ejaculation, it can be a temporary problem (British Medical Journal 2003;327:426–7).
For many couples it is a source of pleasure, not a problem, because it allows prolonged love-making, but the woman may (mistakenly) assume that it means she is unattractive to her partner.
The UK Sexual Dysfunction Association receives many queries about it and has prepared a special fact sheet (see useful contacts). The association says that two categories of men commonly have the problem of delayed ejaculation: sex starters who are paralyzed with guilt or other strong emotions; and older men who have grown psychologically mistrustful of release or who have a need for greater physical stimulation now that age has made lovemaking less spontaneous and orgasm less compliant. Also, some prostate operations and some drugs, such as SSRI-type antidepressants (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), can delay ejaculation. Therefore, if you are taking medication and delayed ejaculation is a new problem you should ask your doctor if the medication might be responsible. Alcohol can also have this effect.
How to help a partner with delayed ejaculation
The following advice is provided by the UK Sexual Dysfunction Association.
- There is nothing biologically wrong with most men experiencing ejaculation difficulties. However, men who cannot orgasm inside a woman may have a combination of technique and attitude problems. For instance, many men learn how to perform sex by masturbating. When they bring themselves to orgasm, they may agitate with their hands far more quickly than two people can ever have sex. Thus, when they start making love, the sensations seem under-stimulating. The answer to this part of the problem is to increase the eroticism of foreplay and make your partner wait until he is practically on the edge of climax before allowing him to insert his penis
- If that does not help, anxiety is probably preventing him from triggering his ejaculatory reflex. Tell him there is a remedy, which you can jointly try over a period of weeks
- When the time is right, and you are feeling intimate and relaxed, ask him to show you how he masturbates all the way to orgasm. Be light-hearted and make it fun. Next time, ask him to masturbate with a little assistance from you. Next time, see if he can do it just inside your vulva, again with assistance from your hand if he enjoys it. At this point, if the process has proved successful, draw his attention to the fact that you are virtually having normal sexual intercourse and that he has managed to ejaculate where you both want him to
- On the next occasion, he could insert himself fully and try coming deep inside you – and so on. The important point to remember is that, if at any stage he meets with a reverse, you do not fret but simply return to the previous stage and get comfortable with that again
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